A new nurse started on our ward recently. He was originally working on the ward linked to mine next door and he rotated over for the experience. I immediately enjoyed working with him and found it easy to bond with him as he's of a similar age. He's been qualified for three years now and has seen quite a bit. He comes across as really on the ball.
I've never been one to lay out a year by year plan for my education/ work/ relationships or ANY aspect of my life. I think it leads to disappointment and regret. Instead I take opportunities as they come up and am happy to learn from my mistakes if all goes tits up. Also, comparing myself to others is something I've never been akin to either; I'm six foot and don't always find it easy to go with the crowd so there was never any point. I'm different and I learnt to live with not fitting it. I really enjoy mostly!
HOWEVER, this last week I've had a horrid feeling of dread come over me. This fab nurse I mentioned before has just been given a Clinical Nurse Specialist job working under one of the main consultants. This is SO exciting for him and I'm really glad he took the position. Selfishly, I'm sad I won't get to work beside him anymore as he was so easy to get along with and great to watch work and learn from. And I found myself inexplicably comparing myself to him, and also with my ward manager, who I've probably mentioned I really want to be buddies with, but what with her being my senior and in a ridiculously busy and stressful ward, I don't expect we'll ever find such time. ANYHOO, I've had to keep reminding myself that just because we're are of relatively similar ages doesn't mean I should be at the same level as them. They have years of experience on me. I keep repeating to myself that 'its only been four month. That's it!! Give yourself a break!'
This feeling foolishly came over me again when this week for the first time, I had to put out my first Crash Call. That's the emergency phone call you make when you are fearing for the imminent danger your patient's life is in. In my case, losing about two litres of blood from his mouth and fainting. He is perfectly fine and well because of the amazing team that come to assist, but watching these nurses work just made me feel even more inadequate and unskilled. I was so very close to asking them all how long they had been nursing. Next time I will, as I'm sure they've been in the game for about ten years or more, and there I am, like a toddler watching their older siblings, wondering why I'm not as good as them, and thinking that I'm never going to be at such ease as they are working so confidently to so casually save a man's life in a matter of minutes. My only hope is that one day I get to be impressive too.
It doesn't help either, when your fellow, super experienced nurses just scoff and scold you went you state that you don't know how to do, or set up something they think you probably should. How they don't understand that they are my teachers and guides I don't know, but I'm sure my comments of 'if you don't take the time to teach me, who will...' are, not exactly hard hitting, but getting into their heads eventually.
On a lighter side I'm often struck at the things I have just taken as normality in my work life, things that I'm sure 97% of the population are totally alien to. You get the inside story though;
Being approached by an incredibly stimulating patient, who often wore me to exhaustion from just listening to her shout from across the ward, who was also very confused, and having her take me by the arm, pull me aside and tell me 'you're the best at putting my prolapses in. Please help me.' when in the middle of a telephone conversation was somewhat flattering to my manual skills and a little nauseating at the same time. My pride took over the strongest as I made my excuses to the person in the phone and allowed her to pull me into her shared bathroom to carry out my ever so dainty digital maneuvers. After that I was proud to announce how I was best skilled to care for this patient's double prolapse if in need! Disturbing, I know, but it's the little things!
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