I did it!

I have finally had to rise to and get over the challenge of taking on my own case load of 6/7 patients. 

The first of the two shifts I have done as a nurse (nearly) in my own right, was set up to be potentially horrific. We were a nurse down and had inadequate count of healthcare assistants. I was given eight patients, two of whom had to be supervised constantly for their own safety, which took up two healthcare assistants, leaving me with no one else to help me with the remaining six. I dived into the deep end with my chin up and and chest puffed up. Around late morning I felt the realisation of responsibility and accountability dawn on me quite heavily. My chin not so prominent and crestfallen I was avoiding everyone's gaze, lest they want to ask me a favour or give me a message as they would be used to. 

On my return from one of the countless runs I had made to the store room I had the all too familiar feeling in my throat, stomach and heart as my eyes started to become blurry and stingy. These symptoms used to be something so rare and unrecognisable to me I would often be taken completely by surprise by them. In most situations in the past year I would have no choice in the fact that these symptoms would overwhelm me and be accompanied by uncontrollable thoughts of how rubbish the world is treating me and how awful I am at dealing with such simple situations and why couldn't I do it anymore, whilst the former me would have laughed in the face of the challenge.

Right at that moment, however, the old me DID take over! It said something along the lines of 'Really?! Now?! You have a choice here lady!! Either you cry, go ahead, try and find a corner and give up, or STOP it, suck it the hell up and carry on! Just like you are. Just like you have.' And it worked. I didn't get so far as to laugh at myself, which I used to do. But I was so shocked that it worked that I didn't even think to stop and reflect on why I didn't need to feel like that. The rest of the day passed relatively smoothly and I got through it, and the next day getting everything done that needed to be (except for the drugs round as I haven't yet been cleared for that, and the online paper work which I can't access) and on time! And with a smile on my face. I don't think it's too cavalier to say that I am PROUD of myself. Especially for getting out on time, as I thought time management was going to be my biggest challenge. Saying that, I haven't had evening breaks since my first week... I'll work on that.

Ironically, me becoming more responsible and able to take care of others professionally has led in a steep decline in me looking after myself. This leads my friends having to pick up the slack. My wonderful friends and housemates are constantly asking me if I have eaten and in response to my prolonged silence and guilty face, order me to sit down and to wait whilst they refuse all help in making me wonderful food. The delirium that comes along with my fatigue and low blood sugar is characterisable by my inability to form sentences and giving up halfway through a story or being too frazzled and feeble to give the twenty minute explanations that normally accompany any question posed to me and instead replacing them with nods, grunts or sighs. The staring into the mid distance is a give away too. 

I'm certain that this won't last for long! I just have to get used to the idea of spending decent money of food and get into the habit of actually getting to the shops to buy it. I'm determined not to let the awful shift patterns and waking hours disrupt my respect for and the pattern of relatively healthy eating. 

This week I will finally be able to take ownership of my own skills! My nursing Personal Identification Number has finally turned up. No thanks to the teenager in HR that is apparently looking after my casefile though. Despite telling me out right that the reason that he hasn't contacted me in ten days even after my hounding and confused emails, was that he had 'just forgotten' me. Great job! I used my 'action learning' communication skills on him by asking him how he thought he could resolve this situation and who he could ask for help. He clearly knew nothing; he was constantly leaving me to 'ask someone' for me. Then I gave up and told him 'well thanks, this has been torture, so if you could just email be back next time, EVEN if it's to say you don't know or that I've been forgotten, that would be great!'. Don't think he caught my fake smile down the phone unfortunately...